I Should've Known Better

I'm sure everyone feels lonely sometimes. I know I do,probably more often than I should. But there is usually that moment when amongst the empty feeling in your head is overcome by the fullness of you heart. Because the heart usually knows what the brain wants to deny,and that is you are never really alone. More often than not,you are probably on someone's mind.

In this life we gain friends,and lose them. Some we are glad that we once knew,others we wish we had never met,and then there are the ones you want to keep forever. Growing up never showed much for me personally on the friend front. It seemed like every year the "best friend" from the previous year had all but forgotten we had a bond at all,and I was sent packing my crayon box to find another friend. And at some point I just isolated myself and tried to be friends with everyone. When the "Cheer War" went down my 6th grade year I was the one that hung out with the guys just wondering why all of this was happening;because it was one of the dumbest things...even at that age I knew it.

And now it seems as if things are happening in the same way,just in a larger frame of time. I feel like every time I move,I lose the friends that I once had,and have to make new ones. The only thing now is I don't have a pot of people to kind of pick from because I am no longer in school,and don't have a job. And I have never been the best at meeting people. So I am now stuck in what seems to be one of the lonliest times of my life so far.

I spend my days at home. Doing my online classes,doing chores,and looking for jobs. All while the rest of the world seems to be interacting with one another. I just feel left out all of the time. I feel like those people I were once to close to don't even care if I exist anymore or not. And I'm close to giving up trying to get their attention. I even sometimes feel like my mom has left me behind.

When it gets down to it. I can't help but feel alone and isolated. I mean I get jealous that my sister,brother,boyfriend,and even my parents all have their friends,and it seems like I don't.

Even though I should know better.

At this point I don't.

This Magic Moment

She could see the lights of the freeway flashing by like the stars of and unknown galaxy. A few hours closer to where she was going. A few hours farther from where she had been. Lightyears separated her mind from either,which is where she seemed to stay. You never really knew what was in her brain,what she was thinking.

She would never tell you,and asking what she was thinking was a hit and miss game itself. Being dealt either a straight answer or something vague,almost as if she didn't even know what she was thinking. But she did. Yearning for so many things,dreaming as if it was going out of style,thinking of the living moment. What was happening at the very second.

She was thinking of that now empty highway,the stars in the sky,the song on the radio,the guy in the backseat,and how she wished this would never end.

As she combines the components in her mind she knows that in this moment,it never will.

Filled with broken promises

I feel forgotten because I had to leave

I feel that is a lousy punishment for you to give me

The time is closing in with so much to be said

The words of your broken promise already floating in my head

I need a friend not a pal

Never lived to satisfy me

I just can't but have that feeling deep inside

That you've already expired me

Not a carton of milk that you can just throw out

Just the way you've been treating me makes me want to shout

Punch

Scream

Yell

Makes me want to believe that promises are never kept well

Can We Pretend That Airplanes In The Night Sky Are Like Shooting Stars?

I have lived a short life. All to many good and bad things happening in the mix of things. I am only 18 for now almost garunteed to get older. Once upon a time I wanted to "grow up" and be a doctor; I changed my mind many times like any growing child.

But I began to fear the world and all that was in it. It was suppose to be an age of innocence. Stolen by the fear of weather or not I was going to be yelled at when I got home from school every day. I knew this was wrong...I was not suppose to fear like this. But long ago I took the role of survivor instead of playing the victim. I finally came to terms with the fact all that I endured was "abuse." And I over came that. No matter how many times I was told I was nothing,no matter how often I was told I was worthless,and no matter how often I was screamed at and threatened for doing innocent things,I knew he was wrong.

And whenever I heard the yells,or breaking of furniture,I would sneak my way outside no matter what time of day or night. And I would Look up and wish on everything that lit up.

Even airplanes.

I finally got my wish and I know after so long.

Everything is going to be okay.

I'm going to be okay. And I know that there are people who care about me no matter what. I have learned to love myself in general. And I have opened up. I finally find it in my heart to trust someone. That fear is being replaced by innocence once again.

I am growing happier by the day.

Not saying I don't get down,I am only human. Stuff happens,but all is never lost.

And when I "grow up" I know that it will not be about what I am but how I am.

I've got a lot of growing up to do still and I know what I want to be "when I grow up" but that is irrelevant,because I know how I want to end up is happy.

A strange and simple concept.

And to think this huge revelation all started with me pretending that airplanes in the night sky were shooting stars.

Don't Try To Lie,I Know The Truth:No Longer A Secret

At some point I stopped caring

About wether or not they know my secrets

Because no matter how deep

No matter how painful

No matter how stupid

No one cares

HE Loves me

Because I'm not ashamed

Who I am

Is who I will be

Not because it's my religion

Because it's my RELATIONSHIP

With Him

I know

He sees me

He knows me

He forgives me

He understands

We talk for hours on end

Even if every conversation is heard only within my head

What I am lacking

He is not

For I am broken

On my knees

I pray

I ask

To know His love

Never really letting me fall

He will always answer the call

I BELIEVE

Once and for all

HE LOVES ME

ALL

Of

me

Bleeding Passion

I bleed passion

I bleed it internal

Beauty from within

Urges me to win

Not the race

Nor the game

This passion

Wants me to win for the same

Equality

A more open mind

Not let hate bind these hands of mine

Just in time

Making one

A difference

Starting with a heart

Ending with a start

Don't let the world us tear apart

From the outside in

Bleed it

From the inside out

Stand for something

Show them where effort ends

Where passion begins