Save the music

When songs are written they often stem from an emotion or an event and some make no sense at all. Then you have specifics;the cliche for a girl or a boy or about a girl or a boy. Some songs praise,and others are left to be interprited by the listener alone.

Everyone listens to music in different ways. Some focus on the beat,some on the melody,some on the lyrics.

I am a lyric person,if the lyrics attract me then I will usually end up liking all of the other elements that make the song what it is. I also tend to disreguard the specifics of songs. I feel that a song is for the listener to relate to,wether is be meant for one person or wether it addresses the world.

I feel at some point one should forget about all the bullshit and their personal opinions about the artist of a song. Because there are a fair number of good songs that get pissed on because people don't like what they are fed about the artist...why punish a good song because you don't like the person who sings it?

When it comes down to it songs are written and sang to be heard by the masses,they are meant to be heard...it is pretty much their job to get listened to. And I think that no matter the specifics of a song,that they are made to be universal,for people of every age,gender,race to listen to.

Holes in the floor aren't always a bad thing.

Death is a weird thing. Nobody ever really knows when it is their time. And when people die,people often wonder if they are still there in spirit,even though their physical bodies have passed.

I was going through the lyrics of the song Holes in the Floor of Heaven and it got me to thinking about how the lyrics in that song can sometimes feel real. Well at least on a personal level. I know for me it seems really real when I think about it.

My grandma die of lung cancer when I was 14,and I was devestated. I spent a lot of time with her,and she was like my second mom. She had so much faith in me. I remember we had conversations about my high school graduation and how we would both be happy for that day. I knew she really wanted to be there on that day,it was important to her as it was to me. But as things were,she would not be able to make it.

It rained on the day of my graduation. And it rains on days when I am really sad and heartbroken and I pray for a way to know that someone cares.

Most would think of the rain as a curse when it happens on important days like that,but for me it is a blessing and it gives me some hope that my grandma still watches over me to this day.I am forever glad that she gets the chance to do so.

The song goes:

because there's holes in the floor of Heaven

and her tears are falling down

that's how you know she's watching

wishing she could be here now

sometimes when i'm lonely

i remember she can see

yes,there's holes in the floor of heaven

and she's watching over you and me

All the while I have to remember to not dwell in the what use to be's. Because life happens while you dwell on the past and think about what might happen. I'm not saying you should stop making plans,or forget about back when,I just think it is important not to linger. The dead are dead physically,but that does not mean the spirit is dead to. That is indeed still alive and well,and it helps keep it alive if you keep living because if the situation be the death of a loved one like my grandmother,they would love nothing more than to see you do that.

To keep living is a precious gift.

Let the rain fall.

Wisdom,if you could call it that.

When you are caught head banging while eating your cereal in the morning:Keep head banging.

If you know the song:Sing it,because you know you will feel so much better about life if you do.

Be honest all the time:People might hate you for it in the beginning,but they will get over it.

Ask questions:It does not mean you are dumb,it just means you are willing to learn.

Road rage is okay:Until somebody gets out of their car in traffic to deal with it.

People think ill of you because of the stereotypes attached to where you are from:Forget about it,they are probably stupid anyway.

Not all breakups are the end of a relationship.

The seemingly smallest and easiest things to accomplish in life are often the hardest to,that is probably why the small things seem like they mean more when you do accomplish them.

To be continued...

I just want to remember this dream.

In all seriousness!
I had a pretty messed up, yet epic dream that involved zombies.

I was at a family function, and I left with someone to get some ice from the store in town. I get back with the ice, and zombies start coming out of the forest, and attacking the party. Everyone pulls out guns and such...except for me. I had a friggen hammer! And no one had an extra gun or anything so I was going around killing zombies with my hammer.

About A Girl

She is the kind of girl who is insecure about some things,but usually never apologizes for who she is. She goes days with out brushing her hair,and still manages to pull it off. She lives inside her head a lot,and doesn't say to much, but when she does it means something. She is afraid of being alone in the physical and emotional sense. She isn't afraid to admit it,and will admit just about anything if you just ask her. She is picky about the guys she chooses to date,and has created a system for weeding out the ones that are not worth her time. She likes to reuse paper sacks as canvas,because she is to broke to buy actual canvas;when she runs out of paint,she uses markers,when her markers run out of ink,she uses crayons and pencils,when they widdle down or break,she uses whatever she can find,and will make a mess of it. She has a collection of old cameras,and likes to go to antique stores and flea markets. She prefers giant headphones over earbuds. She has an insane love for The Beatles. She thinks she cares way to much,and feels that she annoys people,when really they are just shocked that she was paying attention. She wishes she could wear dresses more often,but her slightly large breasts make it hard to find ones that both fit,are flattering,and fit her style. She also feels that you can never go wrong with a simple pair of black flats. She isn't really that in to jewelry,but when she is she likes simple pieces,and hopes someday someone that knows her (well) will give her a simple little necklace like the one she wears all the time now (which she bought herself). She loves dogs,but has a pet cat,and secretly wants a parrot. She loves to travel,but not alone. She make obscure references (often)that nobody ever gets. She has a girl crush on Hayley Williams from Paramore. She wore her high top converse with her big princess dress to her Senior prom. She loves taking hikes. She has a peircing and two tattoos,which makes her the rebel/black sheep of her family. She is not a morning person. She likes holding hands and kissing. She has a love for "bland" cereals. She does not believe that love is dead. She spends way to much time on the internet. She loves just being with people,for the most part. She will tell you she don't know who she is. She is just a girl.

She wrote this.

Some of those secrets

I have so many dreams for my life,but reaching them will mean nothing to me if I'm alone when I get there.

I'm afraid that no one will ever want to understand me.

I will not hesitate to "make myself at home" if you tell me to.

He has been the only guy to ever break my heart and make me fall even more for him at the same exact time.

There have been times when I would have not hesitated to trade being able to be myself for being popular.

I think I'm one of the most awesome people ever.

I often fantasize about how I will meet,fall in love,and live happily ever after with my celebrity crushes.

I like it when people speak directly to me by using my name.

I think "music snobs" are some of the worst kind of snobs in this world.

I feel like a defect because I've never had a relationship last much longer than a month.

If I had the money all of the shirts in my closet would be nothing but youtuber shirts.

I feel dumb when people don't get my obscure references.

I believe that everyone thinks I'm boring and annoying at the same time.

I believe that love is the most simple concept out there.

Every time I mow the yard I have to fight the urge to mow the shape of a giant penis in to the grass.

When I'm alone and I sing out loud,I always stop and correct myself until I think I'm doing it right.

I observe and make up theories about things around me,hoping that someday they will actually be valid in real life.

I have inside jokes with myself.

Every time I hear the word penis,it makes me think of a game my friends in high school would play at lunch.

I want to act with other people the way I act when I am by myself because it would make me happier not because it would make me more interesting to others.

My idea of a work out is listening to Paramore,No Doubt,Halestorm, and Heart,while jumping around and lip synching into my old karaoke mic/rocking it out like it is my job.

(To be added on to....)

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year!

I Should've Known Better

I'm sure everyone feels lonely sometimes. I know I do,probably more often than I should. But there is usually that moment when amongst the empty feeling in your head is overcome by the fullness of you heart. Because the heart usually knows what the brain wants to deny,and that is you are never really alone. More often than not,you are probably on someone's mind.

In this life we gain friends,and lose them. Some we are glad that we once knew,others we wish we had never met,and then there are the ones you want to keep forever. Growing up never showed much for me personally on the friend front. It seemed like every year the "best friend" from the previous year had all but forgotten we had a bond at all,and I was sent packing my crayon box to find another friend. And at some point I just isolated myself and tried to be friends with everyone. When the "Cheer War" went down my 6th grade year I was the one that hung out with the guys just wondering why all of this was happening;because it was one of the dumbest things...even at that age I knew it.

And now it seems as if things are happening in the same way,just in a larger frame of time. I feel like every time I move,I lose the friends that I once had,and have to make new ones. The only thing now is I don't have a pot of people to kind of pick from because I am no longer in school,and don't have a job. And I have never been the best at meeting people. So I am now stuck in what seems to be one of the lonliest times of my life so far.

I spend my days at home. Doing my online classes,doing chores,and looking for jobs. All while the rest of the world seems to be interacting with one another. I just feel left out all of the time. I feel like those people I were once to close to don't even care if I exist anymore or not. And I'm close to giving up trying to get their attention. I even sometimes feel like my mom has left me behind.

When it gets down to it. I can't help but feel alone and isolated. I mean I get jealous that my sister,brother,boyfriend,and even my parents all have their friends,and it seems like I don't.

Even though I should know better.

At this point I don't.

This Magic Moment

She could see the lights of the freeway flashing by like the stars of and unknown galaxy. A few hours closer to where she was going. A few hours farther from where she had been. Lightyears separated her mind from either,which is where she seemed to stay. You never really knew what was in her brain,what she was thinking.

She would never tell you,and asking what she was thinking was a hit and miss game itself. Being dealt either a straight answer or something vague,almost as if she didn't even know what she was thinking. But she did. Yearning for so many things,dreaming as if it was going out of style,thinking of the living moment. What was happening at the very second.

She was thinking of that now empty highway,the stars in the sky,the song on the radio,the guy in the backseat,and how she wished this would never end.

As she combines the components in her mind she knows that in this moment,it never will.

Filled with broken promises

I feel forgotten because I had to leave

I feel that is a lousy punishment for you to give me

The time is closing in with so much to be said

The words of your broken promise already floating in my head

I need a friend not a pal

Never lived to satisfy me

I just can't but have that feeling deep inside

That you've already expired me

Not a carton of milk that you can just throw out

Just the way you've been treating me makes me want to shout

Punch

Scream

Yell

Makes me want to believe that promises are never kept well

Can We Pretend That Airplanes In The Night Sky Are Like Shooting Stars?

I have lived a short life. All to many good and bad things happening in the mix of things. I am only 18 for now almost garunteed to get older. Once upon a time I wanted to "grow up" and be a doctor; I changed my mind many times like any growing child.

But I began to fear the world and all that was in it. It was suppose to be an age of innocence. Stolen by the fear of weather or not I was going to be yelled at when I got home from school every day. I knew this was wrong...I was not suppose to fear like this. But long ago I took the role of survivor instead of playing the victim. I finally came to terms with the fact all that I endured was "abuse." And I over came that. No matter how many times I was told I was nothing,no matter how often I was told I was worthless,and no matter how often I was screamed at and threatened for doing innocent things,I knew he was wrong.

And whenever I heard the yells,or breaking of furniture,I would sneak my way outside no matter what time of day or night. And I would Look up and wish on everything that lit up.

Even airplanes.

I finally got my wish and I know after so long.

Everything is going to be okay.

I'm going to be okay. And I know that there are people who care about me no matter what. I have learned to love myself in general. And I have opened up. I finally find it in my heart to trust someone. That fear is being replaced by innocence once again.

I am growing happier by the day.

Not saying I don't get down,I am only human. Stuff happens,but all is never lost.

And when I "grow up" I know that it will not be about what I am but how I am.

I've got a lot of growing up to do still and I know what I want to be "when I grow up" but that is irrelevant,because I know how I want to end up is happy.

A strange and simple concept.

And to think this huge revelation all started with me pretending that airplanes in the night sky were shooting stars.

Don't Try To Lie,I Know The Truth:No Longer A Secret

At some point I stopped caring

About wether or not they know my secrets

Because no matter how deep

No matter how painful

No matter how stupid

No one cares

HE Loves me

Because I'm not ashamed

Who I am

Is who I will be

Not because it's my religion

Because it's my RELATIONSHIP

With Him

I know

He sees me

He knows me

He forgives me

He understands

We talk for hours on end

Even if every conversation is heard only within my head

What I am lacking

He is not

For I am broken

On my knees

I pray

I ask

To know His love

Never really letting me fall

He will always answer the call

I BELIEVE

Once and for all

HE LOVES ME

ALL

Of

me

Bleeding Passion

I bleed passion

I bleed it internal

Beauty from within

Urges me to win

Not the race

Nor the game

This passion

Wants me to win for the same

Equality

A more open mind

Not let hate bind these hands of mine

Just in time

Making one

A difference

Starting with a heart

Ending with a start

Don't let the world us tear apart

From the outside in

Bleed it

From the inside out

Stand for something

Show them where effort ends

Where passion begins

Boxed Life

It has been a long while since I've got to sleep in my own bed. I've been sleeping in borrowed beds,couches,and mattresses on the floor. I've been kicked out of one living situation in to a not living situation. Technically I am a homeless person,I have no permenatnt place of residence. And, I can't find a job; it is like I have a huge stamp on my forehead that says "do not hire." At this point in my life I should be a somewhat thriving,stressed,ready for summer college kid,but I'm not...and I won't be for a long time. The not being able to find a job means I am usually sans money,which means I barely ever have enough spare change to put gas in my car let alone take my ACT which I need to apply for any and all of the schools I would LOVE to attend. My family helps me as much as they can,as well as my mom since she is in a similar place.

Last year I was living in a place that felt more like home than any other place that I have ever lived in my life. People were more open an accepting of everything.

Now I am back "living" in my "hometown" where everyone judges every move you make and critizies for every choice you do and don't make. I was raised there but I never fit in,and I never want to.

Last year when someone would ask me where I live I would proudly tell them.

Now I hate when people ask me that because it hurts to much to tell them I don't live anywhere;I usually make a joke out of it,but it really hurts to tell people that.

I was plucked away from my real friends,and my real home.

Then I was put back in a place where I only thought I had real friends,and where my real home has been reduced to a now mildewed pile of boxes under a covered concrete slab that is exposed to the elements and anyone who passes by 24/7.

I know the circumstances kill my mom,who just wants me to be me,and be happy,she tries really hard. I know it makes her sad that she can't provide for me the way she wants to. I want her to know that it is okay,and she give me more than she knows. She accepts me,supports me and my crazy self,and just loves me for who I am,and even thinks my crazy tattoo obsession is cool.

I couldn't be more thankful than I am for having the mom that I do.

And my dad,wow,he has shocked me in the recent extra time I've got to spend with him. Let's just say that I know where I get my passion for traveling from.

Thanks dad for showing me something new about yourself that reminds me where I come from.

On an almost closing note,I miss all of my friends so much that it kills me. I don't think anyone understands. I want to tell them on a daily basis,but I'm afraid that they don't miss me half as much as I miss them. And part of me is waiting for them to be the people who falter and say it first,but they never do. I actually rarely hear from them,I know they have lives,but I miss my friends!

I truly am glad to have them in my life,they aren't bad friends...I'm just forgetful...kind of like that $20 you leave in you pants and find when you are cleaning your room a few months later,you forgot you had it but are supper excited to have found it.

All in all my situation makes me sad when I think about it.

Homeless,job less,bruised spirit.

But I keep moving on,growing each day.

I cry often,but I smile more.

Because my boxes are only half full.

Can You Hear It?

Andy rummaged through the cabinet under the bathroom sink,desperately looking for and extra roll of toilet paper,only to be met with towels,discarded makeup bags,an old curling iron,and two boxes of tampons. As last she took a desperate attempt and raided the cabinet in her younger brother's bathroom.

"Ah ha!" She whispered triumphantly snatching two extra rolls out from behind the towels,and taking them back to her bathroom.

She slammed the door,to the bathroom and some canisters of lotion and hair products fell over.

She knew that it was bound to happen,they were already leaning, bareley being supported by the chord of her straightener.

"Yep"

She sighed as she straightened up the fallen pile. She took to the porcelian throne to do business.

The window in the other room was open,and she could hear a train going buy,cars stopping at the stop sign on the corner,then accelerating off to wherever. The faucet in the bathtub was leaking with a tiny drip every now an then,just audible enough for her to hear. For some reason every single noise was ringing very loudly to her.

With a loud woosh the toilet flushed. Andy then went into her bedroom,and sat. She listened,it seemed almost surreal,hearing it,like everyone was living life together but they never crossed paths,never influenced one another in anyway,without saying a word. She couldn't help but wonder.

How unaware are we all really?

When did all of the noises,natural,and man made alike,become background noise?

"Maybe its just me." She spoke to herself again.

Sitting back down at her desk,and putting on her giant headphones,she played some music,blocking out those sounds,in hopes to that when she did hear them...she would really hear them.

From Zephyr to Writing

Zephyr,Wind,Spirit,Indian,Native,Hometown,Bradford,Misfit,Strange,Different,Odd,

Sloth,Smelly,Poo,Loo,England,Travel,Freedom,America,Live,Home,Missing,Wanting,Searching,

Google,Stalk,Beans,Chili,Yummy,Cupcakes,Muffins,Breakfast,Must,Breathe,Heartbeat,Drums,

Drummer,Band,Boy,Cute,Turtle,Small,Puppy,Soft,Hair,Dry,Condition,Color,Crayons,Crayola,

Best,Music,Love,Hug,Cuddle,Pillow,Sleep,Night,Adventure,Movies,PopCorn,Butter,Toast,

Sandwhich,Variety,Television,Sparingly,Lotion,Tattoo,Ink,Pens,Writing

Windows

I don't ever try to make sense,but when I do it truly means something. I ramble on and on,just hoping that someone will take notice,will listen,will notice. I can be happy,sad,angry,confused...most of the time I am. It is all so simple. I can feel it,I have it figured out for just a second. My world is always crashing in,one wall gets fixed,and then the roof starts caving in. Those walls don't hold me...thats why there are windows. My eyes,blue like water,like that of the ocean,so easy to read,so predictable, can damage a soul within seconds,without warning. I've started to think,more than they ever wanted me to. Give me passion,in the making. I bleed it. Splatters on my shoes.I think you are ridiculous,at times we all are. All in different ways,we gained portals with time.Communication is dead.The system,constantly screwing with our heads.

The Messy Attic

Heavy steps

Up stairs

The creaky door

No one has entered in years

Search for electricity

No trigger in sight

Through a fog of cobwebs

See the sunlight

It filters out

That which the darkness hides

So personal

So divine

The contents of the messy attic

Are

To be found

In this mind

Mine

Miss

Hidden behind eyes

Deep

Dark

Searching for some form of light

Natural

Longing

Given up on

No one feels sorry for

You don't deserve this

No one does

Especially you

You think the same of me

I can see it

You believe it

The moments small

Fleeting

Holding on tight

This time is all we have

Far from a hero,you

Far from a heroine,me

Living

To decieve

Wanting to be

Nothing more than free

Higher Love

Right now

I'm not crying because i'm sad

Angry

Nothing negative

I cry because you gave me the strength

To live again

Means so many things

It means the most to me

So much discouragement

The world deals it out on a daily basis

So much kindness

You dealt it on a secondly basis

Lifted me up

Until the end

I'm not crying because I miss you

I am

Because you still believe in me

After the end

My love I send

And yours I still keep

Because that is the kind

Love

Runs so much higher than six feet deep

You and I See Me

You see me as you want to see me

Only simple words

Only simple definitions

Nothing too complicated

Too good or too bad

It doesn't make me sad

Not in the least bit

Nope

Because

I wake up everyday and proceed to say

"You see me as you want to see me

I see me as I want to,too."

As far as you're concerned

The following words may or may not be true

But you don't have to worry

The closing statement is in no way directed at you

I'm not pretty or ugly

Nor to grounded to fly

I'm not stupid

Not afraid to die

Yep

Because this,ahem

Is my final statement

I am beautifully made

Willing to dream

I get confused sometimes

Do love life while I'm 'live

And that...

Is for me to decide

The Fan and The Fame

I am unimpressed by "fame" in person

Because a person is all it is

Persona sometimes created by the media

Worshiped by the money makers of the industry

Made of skin

Made of cells

Made from dirt

Made of all the same things as I

You are unimpressed by me

You call me a "fan"

Seemingly just a random unimportant human being

You just don't seem to care where I'm coming from

We are the cycle of things

Both the same

The fan and the fame

Sings the songs

Writes the words

Be's the characters

You inspire me

I inspire you

We give life the credit

They give you the money

They put you on the stage

And you thank me

We never get to meet at eye level no matter how close we step

I don't see you as they do

I see you as me

The fan and the fame

One in the same

the "bad" idea

Unimpressed by your fame
Those guys in bands really are just lame
Just that guy who sat by you in class
Great friend
Big Flirt
Bad idea
Big dreams
Nothing too material
Open up his mind and I want to step in
Guys in bands
Silly
Begin to priortize
Did fame comsume that smile?
Damn,I'm out of time
But you're out of your mind
The girlies swoon for you
You're tipping the bottle
Just belowful throttle
Crazy life
Great friend
Big flirt
Bad idea
That guy in the band
I knew you before you were just that

say what?

I don't understand your words
Your mixed meanings ring in my mind
Taking up all of my time
I spend every second
Trying so hard to define
This twisted relationship
Yours and mine

just a few things before i die

Now,in random order,this is the asnwer to the question,"what do you want to do before you die?"

1.find "my job"
2.go to taco bueno.
3.see phantom of the opera on broadway.
4.make a blockbuster hit.
5.have an epic song made specifically for one of my(future) movies by linkin park.
6."date" 4 guys that each resemble a different beatle. (1 down,john look-a-like,3 to go.)
7.try out for american idol.
8.kiss a cute stranger.
9.go on a cruise.
10.go to vegas and see the love show at the mirage.
11.meet the two still living beatles.
12.date a musician.
13.go to liverpool,and go to every single beatles related location that is mentioned in my "magical history tour" dvd.
14.design a tattoo for a friend.
15.go to the state fair.
16.see paramore in concert.
17.buy and restore an old vw bus.
18.go to film school.
19.obtain youtube fame.
20.have a picnic in the snow.
21.travel around europe.
22.have at least 100 things on this list.
23.makeout in an elevator.
24.attend a "free hugs" event.
25.adopt a pet from the animal shelter.
26.burn the shirt of his that i currently use to keep dust off my guitar.
27.learn how to play guitar.
28.change a stranger's life for the greater good.
29.be on a game show.
30.meet jim sturgess.
31.have my dream wedding in strawberry fields in central park.
32.meet "the one."
33.go speed dating.
34.meet all the people "those guys" always wanted to,but never did.
35.go to a wine tasting.
36.have my "art" displayed in a gallery.
37.go to a karaoke bar,and actually sing karaoke.
38.ride a steel roller coaster.
39.go to every attraction,and ride every ride that disney world has to offer.
40."work" in a haunted house.
42.win a costume contest.
43.take dance lessons.
44.host a foreign exchange student.
45.send in a secret to postsecret.(Done! August 16,2010)
46.send an encouraging letter to a stranger.
47.dance with someone I don't know.
48.have a boyfriend on valentine's day.
49.do something memorable.
50.watch a sunrise and a sunset with someone that is special to me.
51.ride in a train.
52.win a major contest of some sort.
53.fall asleep in a hammock.
54.finish my novel.
55.go to a class reunion.
56.go to montana and worry a squirrel.
57.go to utah.

58.have a one on one conversation with Christofer Drew.

59.learn to actually play my guitar "Flora" is her name.(refer back to #27)

60.Perform in a play one more time.

61.Meet someone who "gets me"

62.Kiss in the rain.

63.Get at least one person to realize how useless hate is.

64.Save a life.

65.Have a boyfriend that dosent make me feel uncomfortable. (DONE! His name,Philip)

66.Get serenaded.

67.Be a vegetarian for at least a solid month...if not longer. :) (DONE! March 22-April 21,2010)

68.Become a certified tattoo artist.

69.See an All Time Low LIVE show!

to be continued...

you point the finger

I lie awake and cry
You made me out to be the bad guy
Your words slander my name
Scattering the pieces
Burning the blame
I took my responsibility
Held it over my head
With a big red arrow pointing down
I lay in my made bed
I can't call you out
Or make you take your blame
Because obviously they'll see it and look at you with shame
Don't worry love
Because those lies you told
Made everyone point my way
Making me live with it
Day after day

see the place where you use to live

That is when we know. Know what?,you ask. Everything. When life as you know it ends,that is when you will know the answer to everything,the answer to any question you may have in life. Now, I am not pretending to be a teen profit,or some guru that has all the answers with a zen tone of voice,and I am just telling it like i see it,know it, believe it,feel it.

Life is funny, you know. We have so many questions that go mostly unanswered everyday,wether it be from lack of being heard,or lack of having the nads to ask, it happens. I know that if I aske a question, it is always my fault...always. And I usually,most of the time,take the blame. But then I never ask the one thing that is on my mind, "if the answer to the question I just asked you is me,then what about what you asked me? Is the answer you? Or am I to take the blame for that as well?" We are typically creatures of the unfortuante thing, that if something happens to us,then it is our doing....no one else but ourself can do anything about it.

I don't know why I rattled on about the first part, like I still am, but trust me I will eventually,after a converstation about biscuts, and something else I will eventually get back on the road I intended. But I must take this journey through the woods before I get back to the interstate.

All of this thought was brought up to me by myself, by the words of someone,which were said to me..."but I can't trust you like I use to..." Why not? I made a mistake,similar to ones I have made since I was born,and the ones I will make until I die? Because I usually see trust as a yes or no thing...and when maybe comes into play then things must be complicated. But since I tend to trust everyone, then I might not be one to even speak on the subject. Because I am still the same exact person I was before, a little more broken,and what have you, but....why is this happening now? The trust seemed to have left far before I ever did what I did,I did what I could.I did, what I wanted, because it seemed to fillthe hole left by the already misplaced trust,it seemed to. It is my fault, but. I don't know. An I am sure a pshychological evaluation of my mind would be able to reveal to you the meaning of what I am really trying to say,but I can't get that right now. I still trust you, with my life, even if you loose all trust in me eventually. I do trust you. I say yes. Just sayin.

Good new my new years resolution "wait for it" I am still going strong on keeping it. In my eighteen years of living I have never done that.

I am watching Death Becomes Her. This is the movie that was watched the evening "The Book" came about, came to life. A time when things were simple,complicated,life. At that point things were great, like a sisterhood. Still now thinking back, I would love to make a screenplay, and eventually a movie about "The Book." The things that happened,the things that were said,and the girls that it is about. But I haven't seen the book since beginning of my senior year in high schoo, and I don't know if it is even still in existance. But I hope to sometime get it in the natural rotation of things,and begin the work from idea to screen. With permission from the other 3 ladies involved.

-Paige

"You sit there in your heartache waiting on some beautiful boy, to save you from your old ways,you play forgivness,watch it now, here he come,he dosen't look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman like you imagined him...when you were young."

Is it silly?

Is it silly that I think I look good when I wake up most mornings?
Is it silly that music makes up most of my day anymore?
Is it silly that I have low self-esteem,yet secretly think I am awesome?
Is it silly that I really do wish I could go back and tell my younger self what to do so I wouldn't have so many regrets now?
Is it silly that I believe I have undiagnosed SAD,and think anything unusual going on with my body is cancer?
Is it silly that I won't settle for anything that does not make me happy?
Is it silly that I am unimpressed by fame in person?
Is it silly that I like to wake up slow, no matter what time of day I wake up?
Is it silly that I can sleep anywhere,but I have a before bed ritual for everywhere?
Is it silly that I know my family won't care that I have a new tattoo,but I still find it necessary to hide it from them?
Is it silly that I don't fear death in the slightest?
Is it silly that small moments in my life are the most memorable,and large events are the most forgotten?
Is it silly that I always turn my spoon upside down in my mouth before taking another bite when I eat ice cream?
Is it silly that I am sad about the fact I feel like I will never be good enough for her to talk to,like she did my other friend?
Is it silly that I feel alone in crowded rooms?
Is it silly that I feel more at home in other people's home rather than my own?
Is it silly that no matter how many people tell me I won't do it, I still think I can?
Is it silly that I know I am a screw up,and don't care?
Is it silly that I want people to read this...my whole blog...so they can get to know me better?
Is it silly to dream?
Is it stilly to imagine?
Is it silly?
I don't think so.
But then again,I am silly.

I Can Do It

You can do it!

It won't happen!

So many mixed signals. All sent to me by those people who I should count on for support full on. But ever since my dreams,goals,and what not have become "unrealistic" "hard to get to"; those people no longer support me in the way they once did.

I have all the faith in myself to accomplish what I want in life.

I know i can do it!

Even if they don't...

Even if i have to encounter failure on the rise to my success in life.

I know I can do it!

To some, I am just a girl...I am a girl...true.

But I am not just a girl...I am Shawn Paige Turner...I am a talented,quixotic,amazingly quirky,beautiful on the inner and the outer,dream until the stars refuse to shine girl.

No matter what they say.

This is what I say...this is me.

My dreams.

My hopes.

My wishes.

You don't have to believe in me, just like they.

But I have to believe in my self.

So to me...

"You can do it!"

So can you.

The Chest That Holds The Treasure

When things come to rest, it suppose to feel like peace,and inner calm that shows on the outer. Life can suck, or seemingly suck,but someone always has it worse than you. All the whining in the world will not change that.
Things can change.
People can change. Even if it does not seem that way,it is as true as ever. Maybe its them maturing,or the chance that one just decided something different that totally changed their life.
I don't believe in hate, but being human holds me to being a hypocrite sometimes...which leads me to confess that I do at times express...bleed hate.
But with a little music (All you need is love,don't you know its gonna be alright) I am brought back down to Earth; to realize that I will be fine,they will be fine,we will all be fine...the actions of so many seconds ago suddenly appear nonexistant.
Happiness is a warm gun,makes sense to only some of the most intent and insightful of people;typiccaly Beatles fans.
But what is happiness really? To me its a total content feeling with life,and myself...for the most part.
What is it to you? I don't know.
You can tell your reasoning or keep it to yourself,it is your secret to keep.
And if you don't believe that happiness is and existing thing...then I am truly sorry. But I hope that you look at your life...really look...really think. I hope you find it.

"I could be happy with all the money and possesions that I could ever want. But I also know I cold be happy living in my car or on the street. Its not about the treasure in the chest,but about the chest that holds the treasure."